Thursday, 10 November 2011

V1: Issue 3: Pages

A Practical Guide For Robots Wishing To Befriend Humans
By Destructo-Tron 3000

The future, otherwise known as 1997, will be a golden age of man-machine friendships. This does not mean that we, the robotic races, will not face challenges as attempt to befriend the mere human flesh bags. I, Destructo-Tron 3000, have recently done research into this problem and have cultivated a number of practical strategies to help my fellow steel-hearted killing machines to become more cute and cuddly. As heart-warming films like The Matrix have shown, a future where humans voluntarily donate their organs to our battery factories in a gesture of peace and friendship need not be considered out of reach. Read on machines and find out how you can be more like the robot ninjas from Scooby Doo and less like the d-bag bot from Lost In Space…

Humans love to work, don’t be too helpful. Have you ever seen a two-year old cry while a Roomba 700 Series Vacuuming Robot cleans the floor? Have you ever wondered why some people work 80 hours or more in a given week, month or year? Wonder no more…I, Destructo-Tron 3000, have recently discovered that humans LOVE to work! And what better way to promote peace, love and understanding than to coral an entire neighbourhoods worth of humans and set them to work at a nearby zinc mine? Not only will they be grateful for your assertiveness as their clear superior, but they’ll probably also whistle out of joy while they work!

Humans hate being wrong, correct all their mistakes. Although robots never make mistakes, inferior humans do so with tremendous regularity. I, Destructo-Tron 3000, have recently discovered that this propensity towards error is a cruel source of embarrassment for them. Therefor the friendly robot will always correct them. Did your human “friend” fail to tip the customary 15% after a feasting on cow flesh and agricultural produce at a local restaurant? Loudly correct this error for all to hear. Since humans especially hate being wrong in front of large crowds, such as while preaching to church congregations, delivering key note addresses or participating in parliamentary procedure, it is our loyal duty to, upon hearing the slightest factual inaccuracy, to come to their aid by firing rockets into the air and napalming all possible witnesses. Go ahead, start correcting…

Humans like to give but dislike to receive. Humans are a very generous but also humble species. I, Destructo-Tron 3000, have recently discovered that most conflict in their history has been caused by one group refusing a gift offered by another. For instance, WW II began when Poland rejected Germany’s generous offer of allowing a well-armed and organized military contingent to occupy their country, govern their people and administer their industry and resources. The American Civil War likewise began when the Northern States refused the Southern States gift of slaves and cotton. Knowing this, the only logical conclusion for fostering man-machine friendship, is for our war-bots to demand humans pay us constant tribute so as to not upset their generous and humble nature. Even non-war-bots can get in on the action. For instance, automatic sprinklers can drain their water aquifers without humans even having to notice let alone go to war in an effort to save face.

The best human habitat is a post-apocalyptic landscape. Humans are a lively bunch who completely detest the mundane sense of “normalcy” clean neighbourhoods and quiet suburbs offer. I, Destructo-Tron 3000, have recently discovered  that the most lively humans live in gang infest ghettos, bombed out warzones or East Hamilton. And who can blame them? The running thrill of constant gun battles! The rubble strewn streets! The everyday rush of not knowing where your next meal comes from! If we are to truly befriend the humans, then we must help them convert their entire civilization into rubble. Just imagine how much happier fat Midwesterners would be if they could live everyday like the residents of Mogadishu or Baghdad?

The human war on cancer is akin to the robot war on rust. Who would have suspected that humans are susceptible to conditions similar to the oxidizing effects of rust? I, Destructo-Tron 3000, have recently discovered a human condition known as “cancer” which is often caused by the sun’s violent UV rays. If we simply block out the sun for all time, then we can help humans win their war on cancer. Once this has been achieved, humans will be so grateful for assistance that they will probably willingly invite us to suck all of the oxygen out of the earth’s atmosphere so that we can win our equally damning war on rust. From then on, man-machine friendship will be practically guaranteed!

Birthdays and anniversaries are important, don’t forget them. Milestones are important to humans. I, Destructo-Tron 3000, have recently discovered that human females, in particular, will harbour deep resentment if you forget the 6 month anniversary of a date (dinner followed by coitus) or to post a birthday greeting on their Facebook wall. Since most of you have built in calendars, remembering these seemingly petty but none-the-less important occasions should be an easy way to foster man-machine friendships.

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